If you'd like to read why exactly I'm entirely unqualified to be writing a blog post about office politics/secret santas, do take a read of my previous blog post here. I still stand by everything I said!
But as I've said before, I am an expert in the field of gifting. So, for the purposes of this blog post/gift edit, I'm going to work on the basis that I'm in a medium sized office and there are 10 of us in the draw for Secret Santa... now just watch my imagination take in everyone I've ever known and spill them out onto this page.
... for the record, I'm just typing as I'm thinking and have no idea how this is going to turn out, let alone what presents I'm going to be suggesting. So I'm going to start with the easiest first.
Alice
One of my favourite colleagues, she's a rising star who makes me laugh when she isn't making excuses to the boss for being late again. If the office bore goes into monologue mode it'll be Alice who's eye I'll try to catch just to affirm that it's okay to carry on working, the bore doesn't actually care if anyone is listening.
Secret Santa Gift: Even on My Worst Day I'm Fucking Awesome Chocolate Bar & Keyring Set.
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Even on My Worst Day I'm Fucking Awesome Damask Woven Tag
Audrey
Audrey is firm but fair. One of the managers who likes to keep a tight ship but feels bad if she raises her voice even slightly. She always remembers a birthday when she'll bring in some treats and has everyone write in a card. She'll take the Secret Santa gifting as seriously as a heart attack but will be happy with anything she herself receives.
Secret Santa Gift: "A" Initial Keyring - it's classy and if she doesn't want it for her keys she can hang it from one of her many (many) tote bags.
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Something Naughty for Someone Nice Artisan Chocolate Bar
Marc
Marc is the name everyone dreads to get in the draw. He'll usually grab a box of Ferrero Rocher on the day of the party for whoever he has to buy for but will then judge (usually very harshly) whatever has been gifted to him. A bit of a know-it-all who generally has (an incorrect) answer for everything. There is no killing with kindness with this guy but he has a bit of grudging acceptance for people who stick up for themselves.
Secret Santa Gift: A Little Judgy (But Often Right) Mug
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Hardly Sarky at All Bookmark
Claudia (The Boss)
Claudia likes to be liked and, although a little 'much' on a Monday morning before a second coffee, she manages to get on with everyone easily enough. She is very loud and is as comfortable dropping the C bomb as the F bomb which can leave quite a few in the office uncomfortable... but her heart seems to be in the right place and she's always prepared to help out when things get tough.
Secret Santa Gift: Somewhat Sweary & Remarkably Articulate French Linen Embroidered Napkin - because it's classy AF.
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Merry Fucking Christmas Artisan Milk Chocolate Bar - She'll think it's hilarious and although currently on another diet, will be happy to share it around the office before going home so it's win/win.
Ollie
One of the juniors, not long out of doing a Masters and still finding his feet in the office world. Very eager to please and get on but a bit scatty and does not, on any level, have an eye for detail so can make life a bit harder for everyone. Recently hand drew a beautiful birthday card for Ali who went off on maternity leave so has talent and a good heart but just needs to get a bit more organised. If I knew him better I'd gift him the "Utter Chaos Personified" mug or keyring but fear he might take it the wrong way.
Secret Santa Gift: Things I Shouldn't Just Write on a Scrap of Paper Then Lose Desk Notebook - Maybe he'll get the hint!
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Super Gifted & Easily Distracted Coaster
June
The book-keeper who comes in for a lot of the week but no one is really quite sure when she's going to turn up and for how long. Not a single office rule applies to her and although she is clearly very good at keeping the figures organised, her desk is piled high with stuff that seems to have no bearing on her work nor the business. She can take up to 3 hours lunch (usually to return something to a shop a long way away or to find samples for her never-ending home improvements). She will stop and chat to anyone at any point in the day regardless of how busy they seem. She takes no shit and definitely doesn't feel like a team player.
Secret Santa Gift: Not My Circus Not my Monkeys Keyring it's already one of her favourite sayings.
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Nope Damask Iron on Tag Interestingly, also one of her favourite sayings.
Mo
Bless him, Mo prefers hot days in the winter and cold days in the summer. Never happy, he will grumble about his fellow commuters first thing in the morning, complain about the smell of the bin in the kitchen when he makes his morning coffee, hate the choice of shops to buy his lunch from at midday and complain that he's not paid enough whenever anyone asks him to do anything. Other than that, he's a lovely chap who can have the entire office in stitches when recounting his weekend antics or just some weird observation from the day before. The dude should do stand-up!
Secret Santa Gift: The Book of Mindlessness - it's juvenile, it's silly, he'll find it funny.
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Somewhat Sweary & Remarkably Articulate Square Notebook - this guy has got to start writing some of this stuff down!
Richard
The stickler of the office. He'd carry a clipboard if he thought he could get away with it. The office would be an absolute shit-show without him. He can get a little passive aggressive with his post-it note placements around the kitchen and he'll often walk to the centre of the office to grab everyone's attention (usually just after sorting out something like a blocked loo to be fair) with the words 'Guys, we must....' which everyone knows is him barely containing his anger. Having never lost his temper or raised his voice, he can be a little scary and is definitely one of the more 'distant' of the office. I don't even know if he's married or has children!
Secret Santa Gift: Patience is Half of Happiness Enamel Pin - Well, it's either poking the bear or a well deserved medal for a man who puts up with a lot.
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: It Will All Work Out Bookmark - He needs some encouragement, poor man.
Beth
Beth's my bestie in the office. She's got fabulous punky bleach blonde hair with not an insignifent number of tattoes on her calves and arms. She looks as mean AF, especially when she's got the leathers on but she's just wonderful and I love her to bits.
Secret Santa Gift: "Amata Sum" - Loved Keyring It will make her cry.
Tight Budget Secret Santa Gift: Trying Bitch on For Size Pocket Notebook
And I'm the 10th of the imaginary staff in my imaginary office for the imaginary Secret Santa. What will I get?!