Just one of the very silly activities in our Books of Mindlessness.

I loved writing these books and I think this one kinda sums up the 'tone' of the entire set... if you've ever wondered which condiment you are, we have all the answers 🤩... enjoy!

What table condiment are you?

Q1: Your friends would describe you as:
a) A little bit weird, but in a good way.
b) Loyal and always there for everyone.
c) A force of nature.

Q2: Your perfect evening is:
a) Home enjoying a good film with your partner or parents.
b) Being out out with friends having fun.
c) Hooking up.

Q3: Your favourite subject at school is/was:
a) History.
b) English.
c) Spanish.

Q4: It’s snowing heavily outside, what do you do?
a) Nothing. Absolutely blissfully nothing. No school/work and it’s warm inside.
b) Rush out to find some friends to help you build a snowman.  
c) Spend a great deal of time deciding what to wear and wondering if you’re ever going to feel warm again. This weather is only for yetis and you’re just not feeling the snow vibe. Cold just gets into your bones at this time of year and you yearn to feel the heat of the sun, the warmth of the sand between your toes - and a tongue licking tequila from your navel!

Q5: You win a large sum of money, you spend it on:
a) The weird and the wonderful. You like to make the mundane beautiful.
b) You like to spread the love around so treat everyone to a holiday.
c) Holidays for yourself - long haul.

Q6: At a party you are:
a) Probably in a corner, perfectly happy to wait for your kind of person to see you, come on over and start up a conversation which you will both thoroughly enjoy.
b) The life and soul, flitting from one person to another, as charming and popular as usual.
c) Under the coats in the spare room with someone very glad to be getting to know you better.

Q7: At school you are/were:
a) Undervalued.
b) Loved.
c) Underestimated.

Results:

Well hello salad cream! If you answered mostly As you are interesting, relevant and cherished by a loyal cohort of fans. Don’t let anyone ever rain on your parade because WOW! You can turn any dull food into a little bit of wonderful – be it a burger, sandwich or simply a lettuce leaf. That’s your superpower and we thank you for your service.

If you answered mostly Bs you are, indeed, the ubiquitous tomato ketchup. Every kitchen and café in the land would be naked without you. Not to be outdone in the interesting stakes, your recipe is fucked around with constantly and bottle shapes are numerous and varied. You are the royalty of condiments, and rightly celebrated as such.

And finally, to the Cs – you saucy little minx you! You’re obviously chilli sauce and the hotter the better, right? Downright sexy, you’ll get anyone breaking out in a sweat and laughing with joy as your intense heat takes their breath away, making them gasp.

Naughty, naughty chilli – now behave!